TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed in the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the very best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of put. Intended by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable water. But Sure, absolutely sure, let's have An additional area exactly where American Adult males can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: provide Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he must halt applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and Trump Tower Damascus "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head visible from House, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It really is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Characteristics


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The ad campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort wherever my PTSD may have turn-down support."


A different write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

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